


and i keep wondering why

by shotastic



Series: projecting [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Felix is sad, Hurt No Comfort, I Am Projecting Again, Insecurity, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M, Sad, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Touch-Starved, Weight Issues, bang chan feels guilty, basically felix hates himself, chan this is not your fault baby, i haven't even started and i'm already sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24045154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotastic/pseuds/shotastic
Summary: felix was confused, overwhelmed, scared.was it the hate comments? was it jyp's words back then? was it chan's worrying, changbin's dieting, the others' small gestures of affection?he didn't know, and he hated it.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: projecting [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145942
Comments: 3
Kudos: 199





	and i keep wondering why

**Author's Note:**

> tw for mentions of: self harm, depression and very, very mild eating disorder. (decided to tag it anyway, just for safety.)
> 
> everyone, you matter.

when felix got eliminated, the first thing he had felt was fear. fear of the unknown. because what was he without his members? his friends? his _family_? what exactly was there that made him an important human being if it wasn't for his friends? it was hard for him to actually think of anything. without his members... he was just felix. felix, the korean boy who lived in australia, the boy with the deep voice but young looking face, the boy with the freckles. he was nothing without them.  
  
when felix got brought back and debuted with his friends, the last thing he felt was fear. because he was _here_ now. and he was there for a reason. there was something jyp had seen in him, if it was his kind personality, his motivation, his chance to become a good idol. the reason was there, and so was he.  
  
where did that reason go?  
felix didn't change anything. he didn't stop working so hard, if anything he started working even harder. he studied korean well enough to be able to speak and listen. he got better at dancing and rapping, he got a lot more comfortable on stage. so what did change?   
  
why was he suddenly left with all those doubting thoughts?  
  
felix was laying in his bed, staring up to the empty, white ceiling. it was currently 2:41 am, no wonder he felt insecure. the late night, early morning hours had always that kind of effect on him. maybe that's why he refused to be alone whenever he knew he would end up being awake at that hour. because when the world was quiet, his mind was the loudest.   
those voices were yelling at him, trying to tear him down. trying to make him see his worthless existence. that's why he hated it, those hours. that's why he would always try to be with someone.  
but now he was alone. well, technically changbin was with him as they were sharing the room, but he was sleeping. felix wasn't.  
  
changbin was snoring softly, his face squished into his black pillow, his blanket wrapped around his body in a very messy way. his foot was peeking out, twitching sometimes. felix was neither snoring, nor wrapped in his blanket, nor was he dreaming something.  
  
felix was thinking, and thinking, and thinking. and with each thought, five more worries came into his mind. it was endless, an endless night full of worrying. and he was scared. scared of not being able to sleep at all, scared of having to give up this night. he couldn't give up, he shouldn't give up but _fuck_ he wanted it so badly. giving up was so damn easy, so much easier than fighting.  
  
normally chan, the leader of the group, was the one worrying. if he was good enough, if the others were good enough (which they always were. chan wouldn never even think there was something wrong with what the members did), if the songs he produced were good enough.  
he was always worrying, always asking the member if they were alright, always making sure everything was as good as possible. chan always thought about their fans, if they were feeling alright, if they were enjoying the things he and the members were doing for them. because chan knew how much the group meant to some people (of coure he did, their leader was quite active on twitter).   
for someone this young, chan really did think about everything a little too much.   
  
felix knew he was awake, too. because he had spent the afternoon sleeping, being so exhausted by all the thinking and worrying that he just dropped into his bed like a corpse. while he was taking a nap, though could you really call it a nap if it was four hours long, the other members were doing what they were always doing.   
  
and felix?  
  
felix didn't nap. he couldn't. he was deadly tired, extremely exhausted, but he just couldn't sleep or rest at all. he was too busy watching the others, watching jeongin and minho fooling around, seungmin and hyunjin talking about god knows what.  
jisung and changbin were talking about dieting, felix didn't like that.   
  
he hated talking about changing his looks.   
  
felix was... confident. at least he pretended to be. he wasn't exactly ugly, but he wasn't really pretty either. felix was average, and he was okay with that. he really was! there were just some things, a few minor things, that he didn't like. and the fact that all his confidence was an act was quite obvious, at least to a few people. because... if you paid attention to his arms, you would see his worries, his insecurities and his self hate. you would see the hours he had spent in the bathroom, crying while looking at his reflection in the mirror, while all those voices in his head kept insulting him. you would see the many times felix had tried to fight, and all the times he had lost and given up.   
those... things on his arms. they weren't a sign for strength, he knew that.  
  


his fans loved him, though. he knew that. he did not always believe what they were saying to him, but he knew that they weren't lying. which is probably why he kept trying. just like tonight, he was trying. trying to fight once again, and being close to lose the fight once again. 

with a sigh, felix pulled himself out of the bed, feeling his existence when his warm feet hit the cold ground. he was there. he was present. he was breathing, his heart was beating, felix was _alive_. 

there was nothing to worry about, because he was there. he could feel the ground, he could feel his toes moving, his heart beating. he could hear the blood being pumped through his whole body, making sure he's kept alive.  
  
sometimes, a little bit more often than he wanted to, felix thought about what exactly would happen if he'd do it again. his arms, what if he did it again? what would happen? or what would happen if he avoided eating again, if he avoided mirrors and only showered in darkness? of course, only bad things. he would only regret it, the others would worry, the manager would get angry with him. but somehow... somehow Felix couldn't wrap his mind around the negative outcomes of something like that. all he could think of was the positive things. the joy, the relief, the proud and confident feeling.

  
_"don't hurt yourself"_ those were chan's words. he had never said them to him, but somehow felix still felt addressed. though he had yet to talk about his problems to someone.  
he trusted his members, he trusted them with his life. and yet, he just couldn't talk. there was something holding him back from talking, from speaking his thoughts. it was like... was it like a wall? probably. it was like Felix was running towards his members, wanting to talk to them, wanting their affection and kind words but there was this... huge wall in front of him. and Felix knew he could climb over it, but there was this fear holding him back, this fear of falling down and getting hurt.  
  
felix needed a hug.   
  
with a quiet sigh, the boy got up from his bed, stared down to his sleeping friend and smiled a little. oh what would he do to be able to sleep right now. to rest his mind and body and wake up with new thoughts, a new chance to be happy, a new chance to fight.  
making sure to not wake the other up, felix slowly left his room. where was chan? the living room? his room? the kitchen? he was somewhere as he had promised jisung to not leave the form tonight and rather spend his night in the dorm with the others. so felix had to be extra careful. he had to just quietly go to the bathroom, do the things he wasn't supposed to do, leave the bathroom again and go back to his bed. it was all easy, he just had to avoid chan.

felix didn't really want to see him.   
  
chan just had that kind of effect on people. when you saw him, or heard his voice, you would just kinda feel like you could let it go. when he asked you how you were feeling, this comfort and actual interested in his voice would make you crave for more, for more attention because finally, _fucking finally_ someone was ready to listen, ready to see you and ready to comfort you.

all the worries, the thoughts and held back tears. there was no need to pretend you were okay, because he knew you weren't and he would only worry more if you told him differently. and _god_ , when he touched you or smiled at you. it felt like all the walls you tried to build, all the emotions you tried to hide, they were just gone. because chan felt safe. chan felt like home. and at home, you never had to hide anything. because there was no way he would judge you, never.  
  
felix just knew that one look at him, sitting there with his book or his laptop or his phone would be enough for him to break in tears.   
  
god, he hated those hours. why did it have to be 3:01 am now?  
  
_"don't hurt yourself"_ , chan's voice was telling him in his mind. he had watched that part of his vlive, over and over again. he had watched it in the bathroom, sitting in front of the toilet and bawling his eyes out. he had watched it in the living room, when no one was around and he was sitting there, the laptop opened, revealing bad comments about his existence, he had watched it in bed at three am when he woke up after dreaming of relapsing.

those words were never meant for him, they were always meant for stays because chan knew how much they were struggling, chan didn't think his members were struggling because if they did, they would've talked to him but Felix couldn't because he was fucking scared and weak.

and fuck, right now he wished they were meant for him. he wished chan had said those words with him in his mind. those words kept repeating themselves over and over again, when he passed the kitchen and chan wasn't here ("don't hurt yourself"), when he passed the living room and chan wasn't there ("don't hurt yourself") and when he was so close to, so close to do the things he wasn't supposed to do, chan was there.   
  
in the bathroom. brushing his teeth, widely awake.   
  
chan was there, looking at him. seeing felix' pale face, his freckles not as noticeable as normally, his tired eyes who weren't shining anymore, his bit lip.   
seeing felix' shakind hands, his twitching fingers because he _wanted,_ he _needed_ to do what he shouldn't do. and when chan washed his face, wiped away any left water and smiled at him, that's when felix was officially done.   
  
  
he was done with thinking and worrying, he was done with wondering if he should do it again, if he didn't have to eat a little less or at least throw up.  
he was so done with being insecure, with having to hide his emotions and tears. he was done with having to stand in front of that damn wall, he couldn't waste more time wondering if he really should attempt to climb.  
  
all he now wanted was a hug, a hug from his best friend, older brother. a hug from chan, his safe little home. the one who would be always there for him, who would protect him because to chan, Felix was like his little brother. like his precious, naive, pure little brother with a heart way too fragile. he wanted to feel his arms around him. felix wanted chan to catch him, because he was so damn close to falling.  
  
"felix? are you alright?" he wasn't. felix wasn't alright because he was scared. he was so damn scared.   
  
"hyung", he whispered, taking small steps towards him, "hyung, i'm..." don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. felix shouldn't cry, he didn't want to.   
  
he shouldn't, but he did.   
he didn't want to, but he needed to.   
  
felix felt sorry for chan. it must've been quite overwhelming, having him suddenly fall into his arms, hiding his face in his shoulder as tears were running down his cheeks and loud sobs left his body uncontrollably.   
  
but chan didn't mind, he never did and he never would. chan was an angel, someone sent from heaven to take care of others. of his friends. his family and his fans.   
  
and he was doing an amazing job. he wasn't talking, he was just slowly wrapping his arms around him, holding him like the fragile and sensitive person he was.   
  
felix was sobbing as quiet as possible (it was not possible), holding onto chan's shirt as if his life depended on it.  
and it was.  
because if chan hadn't been there, felix would have done it. he would have lost the battle and would have to carry new battle scars with him, and with the new scars there would be more shame, more self hate and just more pain.   
  
"felix? hey, buddy. do you want to go to the living room? i would've suggested to go to mine, but seungmin and the others are sleeping there.", he mumbled in english, slowly rubbing his back while doing so. english was the language felix grew up with, the language his family spoke to him. it was just another reason why chan was felix's home.  
holding back another sob, felix slowly nodded,feeling his hands cramp a little when he was trying to let go of his friend. was it obvious that he didn't want to? because he really didn't.   
felix was sure he wasn't too obvious, but considering that chan was someone who was seeing _everything_ all the time, he of course noticed. why else would he wrap one of his arms around his waist, holding him close for support and using his other hand to hold his smaller one, just to stop it from shaking so much. "let's go, okay? i got you."  
  
chan got him.  
chan held him while they were walking to the living room in small steps, chan got him.  
chan held him when they were sitting down on the soft and comfortable couch, chan got him.  
he was still holding his hand while reaching for a blanket, wrapping him tightly in it, _chan got him, he was not gonna fall_.  
  
their position now was quite... awkward for someone if they weren't as close as the both boys were. but for felix, sitting wrapped in a blanket between his legs, his side perfectly leaning onto chan's chest (he was also able to hide his face in his neck, which would make talking a lot easier), this position was perfect. it was giving him the safety and comfort he needed.  
  
and chan? chan was still holding him. the fact that felix got to meet such an amazing person like him made him want to cry even harder. but even though he wished he could just continue to cry, to shake in his arms while his whole world was somehow collapsing around him, felix knew he had to talk. chan wouldn't let him go this easily, he would respect him but never ignore it.  
  
felix had to climb the wall, he wouldn't back off again. he wouldn't stay quiet. this time, this time he wanted to win this fight.   
  
"i'm scared, hyung.", he mumbled, using the given chance to hide his face in his neck. chan was calming him down, his bare presence was calming him down. just how powerful could a simple person be? taking a deep, shaky breath, felix tried to continue. talking while crying was hard, but he had to.  
if only the words could leave his mouth as fast as the tears left his eyes.  
"i don't know why, but i'm so scared." the australian boy wasn't smaller than his friend at all, but somehow, in chan's eyes, he looked so... small. the way he was curled up into his chest, holding the blanket close to his body.  
  
why didn't chan sense it earlier? that something was wrong? why did he let his tiredness overcome him and take a nap, at a time where felix needed him the most?  
  
chan felt guilty. was it his fault?  
  
"i... i think everything got a little too much. and i've been thinking too much as well, worrying too much. and i... hyung." with tears in his eyes, felix looked up to him. his lips quivering, his eyes were screaming the words 'scared' and 'hopelessness'. the sight _broke_ chan. tightening his grip around him, chan watched the words leave his friends red lips.  
  
"please tell me to not hurt myself."  
  
that was what he was struggling with? chan wanted to cry. hell, he probably did already. was felix really struggling _so much_ with his past? chan wasn't stupid, he knew what this sentence was about. he knew what those faded, white lines on his friend's arms were. he knew felix had struggled a lot back in australia.   
  
gulping down the worry and sadness he felt, chan bit his lips, pressing his nose into felix's soft hair. "felix", he whispered, making sure the other one heard him clearly, "don't hurt yourself, please. don't do it. i'm here, i will always be here. keep fighting, for yourself, for our friends, for me."   
  
the words were supposed to calm felix down, but all they did was making him cry harder. what did chan do wrong? what could he do to help him? his friend was hurting and chan never felt so useless.   
why was felix crying even more?  
not even he himself knew. he had an assumption, though. because now the words were meant for him, for him and only him. when chan said "don't hurt yourself", he meant _him_. there was no voice who could take that away from him, nothing that could tell him otherwise.   
  
chan didn't want him to hurt himself, just like he didn't want their fans to hurt himself. because both were precious in their own way, both were allowed to live a happy life.   
  
wiping his tears away, felix nodded. he thought he had to spill out his entire life story, but of course, he forgot. he was talking to chan, not some random guy. he was talking to his friend, the one who knew him.   
felix didn't have to say much because chan _knew_ and he _understood_ and he _cared_.  
  
"you're doing amazing, felix.", chan was mumbling while rocking him back and forth, attempting once again to calm him down. this time, it finally worked.   
"you're really an amazing human being, felix. you're so smart and precious, i have never met someone with such a kind and pure soul like yours."  
  
chan really had way too much power, but at the same time, felix was glad he did.   
  
"keep it forever, alright? it's one of the many things that makes you special."  
  
just how much more did chan want him to cry? felix little body was overwhelmed, it was all a little too much. he wanted to quiet down those doubting thought in his mind, but it seemed like he couldn't.   
  
_you are precious_ **but are you really?  
**_you are talented_ **talented, but not talented enough  
**_you are amazing_ **amazing at being a waste of space  
  
**he believed chan. but how could he not also believe himself? his own mind, own thoughts, own mind. what was there that he shouldn't believe?  
"felix? c'mon, don't get lost in your thoughts." chan's voice brought him back, chan's hands on his wet cheeks brought him back, back to reality.   
"felix, look at me." his stern but soft voice made his eyes meet his, looking at him with such an insecure, confused look.   
"you are amazing, alright? you're so much more than this little head of yours is trying to tell you. whatever you're thinking about, every little bad voice in your head is lying to you."   
  
felix was amazing.  
those voices were lying to him.  
  
_you are precious  
__you are talented_  
_you are amazing  
  
_chan didn't let go of him that night. neither of them really talked much, just about random things, but chan never let go, felix could always feel his touch, his comfort and his love. even when felix fell asleep, way too tired of crying half of the night, his head so heavy it was rested on chan's chest, the older boy didn't let go.   
even when the other members slowly awoke, wanting to joke about their position, chan's quick, stern look made them realise what had happened, resulting in them being quiet, respecting felix's need of rest right now.  
  
the whole time, chan never let go.   
because chan was his home, the place he could go to when everything seemed pointless, the place he could seek for comfort when life got a little bit too hard.  
  
chan was there for him, the other members and his fans.   
  
an angel from heaven, just like he thought.  
  
  
  
after this night, felix won the fight for the first time, the moment he didn't relapse. he was proud of himself, chan was proud of him, the members were proud of him (they didn't know what to be proud of until days later, but that didn't matter to them. felix being there with them was already enough to be proud of him).  
  
he never knew that talking a little bit about his worries and feelings to the right people would make him feel so much... lighter.  
that a hug from his favourite person would make him feel so much more stable, that a reassuring smile and a small "you've done well" would quiet down all his insecurities for a moment.   
  
and felix kept wondering why he hadn't attempted to climb the wall sooner.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
